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Don't fret TV lovers, AMERICAN IDOL can't last forever. It will just feel like it. I've got plenty of other shows that don't involve twentysomethings warbling soft-rock classics from '80s that you can watch. So, let's get it started in here with your “TV Eye for the Indie Guy,” but remember to check your local listings: MONDAY, MARCH 28, 2005 It's 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. in tonight's 24 (9 p.m., Fox) and Jack's attempt to infiltrate Marwan's terrorist cell goes horribly wrong. Of course it does. Nothing ever goes right for Jack. The documentary DIRTY WORK (9 p.m., Sundance Channel) profiles three unappealing jobs: a collector of bull semen, an embalmer and a septic-tank pumper. It's guaranteed to make you feel better about your job. Allison witnesses the execution of a convicted drug lord whose girlfriend is murdered on the evening of his death in tonight's MEDIUM (10 p.m., NBC). I hate when that happens. Kirstie tries a new diet theory and surrounds herself with small things in tonight's FAT ACTRESS (10 p.m., Showtime). What does that mean? Small things? Verne Troyer? Tom Cruise? My paychecks? TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2005 House and his team blame an adverse reaction on diet pills when an obese 10-year-old girl is admitted after having a heart attack in tonight's HOUSE (9 p.m., Fox), but then they come to their senses and blame McDonald's like everyone else. Following an emotional reunion with her mother, Veronica is hired to track down Neptune High's beloved mascot, which was apparently kidnapped by a rival school on the eve of a big basketball game in tonight's VERONICA MARS (9 p.m., UPN). Then after that she'll work on the whole best friend getting murdered thing. J.D. and Elliot try to help Turk and Carla through a rocky patch in their marriage in tonight's SCRUBS (9 p.m., NBC). If things don't work out then I think Turk should go for The Todd. Now that would be funny! A special consultant is brought in to hold a seminar about diversity after David's Chris Rock impression offends his employees and cringe-inducing, awkward silences ensue in tonight's THE OFFICE (9:30 p.m., NBC). A gang member is killed and a full-on gang war is brewing in tonight's THE SHIELD (10 p.m., FX). Instead of shooting each other, why don't gang members just have a dance off? You know, like they did in Breakin’. WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 2005 Locke begins to suffer physical difficulties as he and Boone try to find a way into the hatch, while Jack is reluctant to offer assistance when Sawyer begins to experience excruciating headaches in tonight's LOST (8 p.m., ABC). Meanwhile, the other 40 or so survivors just walk around and look busy. Sydney's in trouble and it’s Marshall to the rescue in tonight's ALIAS (9 p.m., ABC). You'll be able to cut the sexual tension with a knife. Tim Daly runs an uber high-tech private investigation firm where everyone is double crossing everyone in ABC's new drama, EYES premiering tonight at 10 p.m. It doesn't sound very exciting, but I've seen the first episode and Eyes could be the next Alias." It's that good. Hey, remember like four years ago when it was announced that Christina Ricci was going to star in a big-screen adaptation of PROZAC NATION? Well, it's finally out ... on STARZ at 10:45 p.m. THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2005 Trio's BRILLIANT BUT CANCELLED: THE PILOT SEASON (7 p.m.) offers the viewers their only chance to see a glimpse of the infamous Heat Vision and Jack -- a 1999 TV pilot directed by Ben Stiller and starring Jack Black and the voice of Owen Wilson as a talking motorcycle. Filmmaker Michael Moore examines America's obsession with guns and violence in his documentary BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE (6 p.m., Sundance). Where's the Michael Moore hard-hitting documentary about American's obsession with Britney Spears? I mean, get your priorities straight, Mr. Moore. Fans do a little tailgatin' before the Judas Priets concert in tonight's HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT (10 p.m., Trio). And if you think they're going to have a terrible time then you've got another thing coming. Check out Gary Sinise and Vincent D'Onofrio before they decided to star in network TV crime dramas in IMPOSTOR (11 p.m. Sci Fi). Or is the reason they’re now doing TV crime dramas? FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 Prepare yourself for the grand finale on May 13 by watching tonight's STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (8 p.m., UPN). As the fleet prepares to battle the Cylons for control of Kobol, the tensions between Adama and Laura explode in tonight's BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (10 p.m., Sci Fi Channel). Ummm, sexual tension? That's hot. David Milch, Tim Olyphant, Michael Rappaport and Jay Mohr sit down for a meal in tonight's DINNER FOR FIVE (10 p.m., IFC). Oh boy! I hope Milch and Olyphant unleash some Deadwood-esque language on Mohr! You ever see someone with a mullet and wonder what the hell they were thinking when they got that haircut? Well, the documentary AMERICAN MULLET (10 p.m., Trio) gives you an answer. SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2005 Bravo begins its five-hour countdown of THE 100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS at 8 p.m. My pick? Anything starring Helen Hunt. Egads, she's freaky lookin'! Penélope Cruz pays a visit to Henry Rollins in HENRY'S FILM CORNER (9 p.m., IFC). Maybe he can get her to explain what the hell was going on in Vanilla Sky. Or, maybe, what the hell is going on with Tom Cruise. Houston, we have a catchphrase -- APOLLO 13 (10 p.m., Sci Fi). Topher Grace hosts SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30 p.m., NBC). Yep, it's a repeat. Yep, it's not any funnier the second time. SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2005 In an attempt to prove to Shelbyville that Springfield is not a hick town, Marge convinces the town to fund a new concert hall, which promptly goes bankrupt in tonight's THE SIMPSONS (8 p.m., Fox). Remember when Springfield got a monorail? Now that was funny. When George Michael gives Ann a promise ring, Michael decides it is too much, too fast and decides to talk to her parents (Ione Sky and Alan Tudyk) in tonight's ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (8:30 p.m., Fox). Meanwhile, I'm sure Gob will do something hilariously stupid. Burns and Dority play nursemaid to a recovering Swearengen in tonight's DEADWOOD (9 p.m., HBO). Whisky drinking and massive amounts of swearing ensue. Why did the chicken cross the road? Hell if I know, but maybe it was to watch ROBOT CHICKEN (11:30 p.m., Cartoon Network). Think Sonia missed something? E-mail her at sonia_mansfield@hotmail.com. EDITOR’S NOTE So what’s a guide to TV doing on a movie website? Simple Answer: Because we want one. Long answer: With so many shows that fit a certain cinematic requirement and so many movies worth checking out, iF MAGAZINE decided to make it easy for the discerning independent-minded viewer. Hence REMOTE PATROL will be your “TV Eye for the Indie Guy” a weekly recap of what to watch and why.

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Reader Comments

k-la from Concord, CA sez....
This is awesome!! I love it!! Sonia is fun and witty!!
3/29/2005 7:38:06 PM

Jake from Idaho sez....
But Helen Hunt isn't freaky looking. :(
3/28/2005 5:00:12 PM

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